I allowed them to come into my life and not see me. They couldn't see beyond their desires and my heart was crying out to them. Their words did not line up with their actions, but I stayed. Their words sounded robotic as each of them had the same sound and the same movement that all ended in my heart being shattered. I became numb to my own feelings. I became as they needed me to be in order for them to see me and yet, I was invisible.
They could have my body. This should be enough for their eyes to gaze into mine and give me what my heart had longed for, to hear them say, "I love you."
Here I am at 51, single, and finally coming to grips with what my heart was really saying and not even I could recognize the sound. It had been so loud and yet silent for so many years and moments of my life. It was crying out underneath the pain and disappointment and yet I didn't recognize its' sound. Today, I listened and I am listening.
" I WANT TO BE CHOSEN"
WOW God, Is this what this was really about all this time?
As God allowed these words to come into view for me, I accepted them. Yes, I want to be chosen. Not for my body or what I could do for them, but just because I AM Me...
As God always does, He began to help me understand that needing to be chosen by other people put me at their mercy. I was the robot and they had the remote when I put my need for love in their hands. God, why won't they choose me? Am I not enough, God? They don't see me. They don't hear me. I AM invisible to the human eye.
No daughter, you are invisible to yourself...
God is showing me this one thing.
I must SEE ME before anyone else can. I have become invisible to ME. I am hidden underneath the years of the chameleon and now my covering is falling away as I seek God for ME and who I am in HIM...
No daughter, you MUST LOVE YOU FIRST... You teach them how to love you with the grace, forgiveness, and tenderness that you pour into your OWN Heart..
What is God showing me and you? We all deserve to be CHOSEN by the ones who will treasure us, protect us, love us and accept us. Yet, how can we recognize being chosen if we have not CHOSEN ourselves? We have been buried under the bits and pieces that others poured on us as their version of love in intimate moments and friendships and yet they could not see us. Actually, they looked through us and saw our broken places and knew we were vulnerable and naive by what we gave up so freely ourselves.
Before anyone can love us...We must love ourselves
Before anyone can SEE YOU...You must be willing, bold and vulnerable enough to see YOU. See yourself in the most broken places and allow God to show you how to see you with compassion, love, truth, grace, and forgiveness.
God, thank you for showing me how to SEE ME in You. Teach me to accept ME in You. Teach me to give myself forgiveness, truth, love and compassion. Fill my heart with a new experience of love for myself through Your eyes. I desire to see myself in a way I never thought possible because I was afraid of what I would uncover. Hold my hand and show me the way in the new journey of self-acceptance and self-love. I am no longer searching for others to see me. I desire to see me the right way. My search has ended in the center of your love for me. I AM CHOSEN NOW and I AM GRATEFUL I CAN SEE. In Jesus name amen...